It is after a long search, many trials and failures that I bring you the PERFECT biscuit recipe. Best part? 3 ingredients!!

It is, however a recipe that you need to follow some specific instructions. Don’t panic, they are easy and will have your family and friends begging for more.

Without a bunch of blah blah blah and all that jazz, here we go!

• 2 cups White Lily Self Rising Flour
• 1 1/2 cup heavy cream
• Kosher salt
• Preheat oven to 500.

Preheat your oven to 500.

Place 2 cups of the WL Self Rising Flour in a bowl. If you do not have White Lily, go get some. I have tried with store brands and they were not so great.

Sprinkle in a pinch of salt, maybe 1/2 tsp, and stir with the flour. Make a well in the center and drizzle in your heavy cream while stirring.

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Once all of your flour has been stirred in, dump the dough onto a lightly floured surface. Your dough will look wet and not like biscuits. It is supposed to! Do not keep stirring and over mix your dough.

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Sprinkle more flour on top so your rolling pin doesn’t stick. Don’t have a rolling pin? Use a glass!

Knead the dough 8-10 times and it will quickly feel like a delightful, soft dough. If it starts sticking to your hands or surface, give it another flour sprinkle!

You should be able to lightly poke the dough and leave a dent without and sticking to your poker.

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Roll your dough into a 12” square. Remember if a spot starts sticking, sprinkle!

Now fold the side 1/3 of the dough towards the middle to make a long rectangle. Think pamphlet.

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Now fold the top and bottom 1/3 into form a super fat small square.

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Now roll it back out into a 12” square and origami that junk again. You MUST do this TWICE or you will not get the rise and easy split once they are baked. It takes 2 minutes, you can do it!

Now here is a bit of a preference choice.

If you like round biscuits, press your biscuit cutter down into the dough and straight up. Don’t twist a lot, this can “seal” the edges and prevent rise. Get as many from this roll as you can. Your next cuts won’t look as smooth and pretty but will still be just as yummy.

If you don’t have a biscuit cutter, or maybe don’t want to deal with 2 pans, cut your dough into squares and transfer into a greased square cake pan.

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Now brush the tops with a little extra heavy cream and sprinkle with salt! That’s it!

Into the oven for 10-12 minutes and you will have perfectly soft, smooth, warm biscuits that won’t require a knife or even butter!

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Enjoy!!

For those who have made biscuits other ways, please try this and let me know! I have had my mom and sisters try this recipe and they are all converts😍. The heavy cream replaces the buttermilk, shortening, and butter typical recipes require. Who doesn’t want easier?

I hope everyone is staying safe, healthy, and sane during the quarantine! I love you all and can’t wait to hear about your adventure into biscuit bliss!

-C

Hey there, beautiful people! Sorry I have been MIA a bit this past week. I have been dealing with a stubborn kidney stone, but I had a procedure today to bust it up and am happy to admit that I am feeling much better!

Fun fact about me, I have always had a desire to write a book. I mean if every type of celebrity can do it, darn it I can too! I get ideas and jot them down in hopes that one day I will connect with one and the rest will be history. My current phone is slowly dying on me and as I’m going through everything on it, I came across my “brain dump” and instantly words started swirling around my head. While this note isn’t enough to pour into a novel, it sparked a flame that I cannot seem to put out. What is it?

Adult friendships are hard.

There are many different types of friends to be had other than just good or bad. There is a difference in being a friend and being friendly. You can be friendly with any and every one but not everyone is meant to be your friend. Once we can accept that fact we should be able to distinguish which is which. But warning, it isn’t easy.

Finding great friends as we grow older is work. Hard work. We are past the days of simple lives and childhood is a mere memory. As kids, we had one main priority and that was to have fun. Kids make friends easily because there is no baggage. They haven’t been hurt before and don’t heavily guard their little hearts to dip a toe into relationships. It is a full on cannonball. No reservations. No fear. No qualms about it. Humble. Innocent. Trusting.

Shouldn’t we seek out others in a childlike quest even as we are older? Absolutely! However adult friendships are tough. We are at the point in our lives where death, divorce, depression, children, and financial stress are involved. We have to deal with the overwhelming pressures of society and literal life and death situations. Friendships should be carefully cultivated so they take on a life of their own that ebbs and flows. They build trust through experience and love grows. Adult friendships can be a beautiful thing, but sometimes they just don’t work out and that is ok! Once we have carved a place in our hearts for a friend there will always be a little void where there was room to grow together before we fell apart. Perhaps that empty space is there for a second chance down the road, or maybe it stays forever as a reminder of what went wrong. Either way, it was worth it and we should honor the happy memories and remember them fondly. Some people come into our lives solely to teach us a lesson.

There is a distinct “fight or flight” instinct that comes with adult friendships. Often times one of you will have a major life event that consumes your soul to the point where you can’t pour love into others. This is the time where someone either steps up and shows their commitment to you or they back away because your problems are too much for them. It is through the major life circumstances that you either build a strong relationship or the foundation begins to crack and crumble. We all NEED these people in our lives to lean on, and we also need to be that person for them. It takes work, hard work, to balance the give and take. It also means leaning on each other for support when you can’t stand on your own. It’s not easy, but sister it is vital.

There will be many things in life that will try to pull you apart. There will be rumors and others who’s intentions are not in your best interest. But here is the beauty of a true friend. A true friend will know you better than to believe what they hear and they will defend you till the end. These people will be the family that you get to chose for yourself and the hard times will be easier because they are behind you 100%. They will catch you when you fall.

My beautiful friend Emily and I have a little saying that once a zebra shows their stripes, they will always be a zebra. Someone shouldn’t have to tell you that they are a good person, you should be able to see clearly who they are. Actions truly speak louder than words and to be perfectly honest, anyone who has to brag about being a good person should be a giant red flag. A zebra can cover itself and say it is a black stallion all it wants, but the paint will wear off and his stripes will be there for all to see. Once someone shows you their stripes, they can never fully hide their true self again. As I said earlier, not all people are meant to be your “person.”

We will all be the bad person at times. It’s human nature to mess up. How we handle these situations is what makes our character. Learn from your mistakes and apologize when you need to. Fill your life with grace. Work for your relationships and pour love into them. Be there when someone needs you, or you will be on your own when you need someone yourself. Throw grace around like confetti and seek friendship with a childlike heart.

Just remember, there is a difference in being friendly and being a true friend. Be friendly to everyone and cultivate the life you want with your friends. Put in the work. Learn from your mistakes. Cherish those you love and be thankful for all of life’s experiences. Forgive, but don’t forget actions that break your heart. That thing is precious and should be treated with care.

-C

Y’all may have to bear with my long windedness (sure, that’s a word) here… but I have strong feelings and they need to come out.

Growing up in the South, there are a few things we love. One may automatically think sweet tea and biscuits but today we are talking about another part of our soul… BBQ. If your mind goes to a grill and burgers… get outta here. That’s grilling. Go find a chain that has shenanigans on the wall or commercials about having “the meats.” You are not worthy. Just kidding, but seriously bless your heart.

We have been searching for years to find a spot with amazing BBQ. Some have been ok, some have had decent pork, and some have just been downright soul crushing. Today my soul has been refreshed and BBQ has been redeemed! Praise the Lard! Where may you ask? A little place in Athens, Ga called Pulaski Heights BBQ. We have been eyeballing this place for a while but our kids are pretty much generic food snobs. If it’s not a cheeseburger and fries… they ruin our joy. Today we had time for a lunch date and I don’t think we really talked about anything other than the food. It was that good.

First impression, honestly made me a bit nervous because it seemed “too nice” to be good. You know what I mean if you have ever entered a joint where a screen door slams behind you and it just felt right. However, I then noticed a guy bring a white Kitchen Aid mixer out to the bar and knew something good was going to happen. Behind him, containers of sauce that was far from coming out of a box with a bar code. There was pride. There was sweat. There was experience. There was gold. Carolina Gold to be exact (one of their 4 sauces housed in glass bottles with hand written labels like you are part of a great experiment.) There was also a Kool Aid flavor of the day. Oh, yeah.

We decided to go for the ultimate test. We tried the things that are hard to master and easy to mess up. We shared a combo of pulled pork and brisket with some collards and mac & cheese. We practically licked the paper off of the metal trays.

First off, let’s visit the Mac. Solid side choice. Cheesy, creamy, not from a box and doesn’t tase like a block of processed cheese. Good. Comforting. Solid back up dancer to the meaty stars.

Next, collard greens. Folks, these are not something you just want to eat in hopes of riches in the coming year. They had flavor! The consistency was in itself money and they needed no extra pizazz- or even salt. However, being the sauce queen that I am I could not resist pouring on a little of their carefully crafted Spicy Vinegar sauce. In the vast world of culinary ideas- this was an excellent choice. Basically, just shut up and do it.

Now the stars. The meats! There are knives in their silverware, but I am really not sure why. The pulled pork is the perfect combination of bark and bite. Exactly what one would want in Dawg Country. Not dry or fatty, doesn’t even NEED sauce. You will WANT sauce though. It’s good stuffs. The brisket looked like a dream. A Smokey bark encrusted dream that I didn’t want to end. Cut so perfectly that you are better off tearing in like a bear because a fork takes too long. It took a long time to find, but this was worth the wait. This is a relationship that needs to last, Pulaski Heights is no one night stand. You will walk out that door with pride and accomplishment, sauce stains included.

This is the Homecoming Queen of smoked meats. You respect her.

Speaking of sauce stains, here is the line up that PHBBQ offers. I basically ended up mixing them all together in a hodgepodge tastebud tingling tincture. The Asian sauce made me wish I had a big, slurpy bowl of noodles- which I noticed is one of their daily specials. Count us in!

I could go on, but I don’t want to keep you from greatness any longer. You deserve more from your day- go get it! After all when they sell out, they slap a sign up and head home!

Cheers, Pulaski Heights BBQ! You deserve to be celebrated!

-C

PS. Practice this pose for plate protection and don’t be afraid to horse collar (or your preferred personal foul) anyone who tries to take your victory. The world is negative enough as it is.

Raise your hands if your kids LOVE spaghetti, but the mortgage payers are tired of it being on the weekly rotation. If you are feeling a breeze in your pits, this one’s for you!

George’s favorite part of spaghetti night is the “spaghetti bread.” In our house this is typically leftover hamburger or hotdog buns baked with garlic butter. Abbey, on the other hand, loves the pasta but has recently found a slight obsession with meatballs. This quick, easy, and cheap meal makes everyone happy and has the husband asking to have them more often. Win Win Win.

Ok, here is what all you will need and it rings in at Aldi for around $9 including a bag of chips! Have a big family or hungry guests? Grab another pack of hoagie rolls and you are still around $12. Can’t beat it!!

I only have a half block of mozzarella pictured because I used the other half for our last round. There are a bunch of meatballs in the bag, but you only need 4 per boat. We go ahead and cook them all because they make great after school snacks. But seriously, this is what is leftover after putting 6 boats in to bake.

Ok. So now how to put them together. Turn your oven on to 350 and dump the frozen meatballs on a pan with some foil for easy cleanup. After they go in, put your hoagie rolls on another foil lined pan. Why the foil? Nobody likes scrubbing pans.

Using a paring knife, cut rectangles into the tops of your hoagies. Smash the rectangle down and pinch the sides to make your boats like so.

Melt a couple of tablespoons of butter in a bowl and put as much garlic and Italian seasoning as you want. I use unsalted butter so a pinch of salt may be needed. Brush your boats with the garlic butter and pop them in the oven while your meatballs finish up.

Now the fun part! Spoon a little sauce in the bottom of each, and then add 4 meatballs to each. This is a fun task for kids as well, and also a great fine motor exercise…. teacher at heart.

Now add a little bit more sauce, pile on some mozzarella, and sprinkle with a little more Italian Seasoning. Back in the oven to get melty and you are good to go!

Let me know how you and your hungry crew like them! Eat up and be happy!

-C

Some people in this world thrive in chaotic situations.  It is almost as if there is some inherent personality trait that drives their everyday life and controls happiness.  I, unfortunately, enjoy this less and less as I get older.  25 to 35 has definitely been a transformation from home girl to homebody for this firecracker… I mean a trip to Target is considered “going out.”  However don’t get me wrong, I can still throw down like a basic white girl when I want to.  I may not be able to twerk, but I will sure as heck try and pull a giggle from a glacier in the process.  I mean a true Southern Lady may know how to charm a sailor, but we also know how to cuss like one and drink them under the table.  Its called balance, bless our hearts, but what am I supposed to do when the chaos takes over my castle?

A little over a year ago, I had a little incident on our golf cart.  By little I mean crushed bones in my left leg and by incident, I mean me going off the side and the cart EZ-going through a fence.  5 surgeries, countless incisions, internal and external erector sets, and hundreds of thousands of dollars filed to insurance later, the chaos remains in our suburban Georgia nest.  Not that we have ever claimed to be a “normal” family (what is that, anyways??) but currently a little bit more “complex.”

In the past year, I have found a few things that have made life a bit more comfortable and I want to share them with you!!!  I often joke that it takes me 437 medications, a visit from Michael Jackson’s Dr., an act of God and a horse tranquilizer to get me to sleep.  While this may be true, if you really want to feel comfortable in your chaos, no matter the flavor or amount, do yourself a favor and get these.  Heck!  Get ’em for you, yo’ momma, and all your frands!  I always get asked for links for stuff so I figured I would put a few favorite creature comforts in one post!

FIRST….Get yourself a LUNA WEIGHTED BLANKET!  I promise this will not be a purchase you will regret!!!  Casey has always said that my back turns into a hibachi table at night.  Not that you could actually cook a sirloin on my spine, but I am a hot sleeper.  This blanket gives perfect pressure and does not get hot!  I know it seems contrary to what you may think, but it is much cooler than a traditional comforter and it feels amazing!!  I am sure there are many amazing brands out there, but this one is a red velvet cupcake with thick cream cheese frosting.  Perfection.  Need further convincing?  It has been washed in our regular, front loading washing machine and still looks brand new!  Still more??   It is on sale!!

Shopping rule #1:  If you like it, it fits, and it is on sale… God meant for you to have it!

NEXT…. BLUETOOTH SLEEP MASK.  I repeat BLUETOOTH SLEEP MASK  Most of us have grown used to falling asleep with a TV on.  Don’t feel guilty, I am a top offender of this!  But picture it, your eyes are gently covered by soft cotton as you are lulled to sleep by the sounds of the ocean or a guided meditation.  You have adjusted the location inside the soft, padded band to get them in just the right spot so there is no crushing small bits in your cranium.  Darkness.  Bliss.

P.S. Mom porn word of the day…..  washable

THIRD… Are your lamps smarter than a 5th grader?  Ok, so mine aren’t since kids are pretty much born knowing how to code an app that can control the minds of squirrels.  However, imagine just being able to say “Alexa, turn on the lamps” and they actually turn on!!  Not only does this keep you from walking around to every single lamp and cursing that annoying dial, but you feel like a total winner when you can make light with your voice.  Get yourself this SINGLED SMART BULB STARTER KIT!!  It comes with a hub that you can add up to 64 bulbs!  We currently have all of the downstairs lamps hooked up and I cannot wait to get the lights upstairs switched out.  Obviously the Streets offspring are the only children that leave lights on, I doubt this is a problem in your home.

Bonus:  all Singled bulbs can be turned on/off via their app or your Alexa/ Google Assistant app.  Out of town?  Make your house look like a Kevin McAllister bash from St. Lucia with the SINGLED LED COLOR CHANGING KIT.  Spouse home alone?  You see where this is going….

Finally, stop worrying about a crazy high cable bill.  This is something so simple that will literally make no difference to your everyday life, but can save you hundreds a month!!  We have outfitted all of our dumb boxes with ROKU STREAMING STICKS  You can still have a voice remote.  You can still watch all the live and local TV your heart desires, we subscribe to YouTube TV and also have unlimited DVR.  We have ROKU ULTRA  in our bedroom because I like to have the option of watching and using headphones if Casey is asleep or on a work call. But honestly, what is more comforting than knowing you aren’t spending an insane amount on cable.  That’s a lotta cocktails- and those mist definitely warm your belly for a good night’s sleep!

Hope this is helpful and you have champagne wishes and caviar dreams!

-C

 

 

 

 

 

So this week’s grocery/ dinner list has a bit of a twist. Casey thought it would be fun to challenge me to get dinners for a week and spend $50. Did I make it? Not exactly…. BUT when I factor out kid lunches, snacks, cereals, and treats I was REALLY close!

$56.78

Now, this isn’t a fancy meal plan. This week is about quick, easy, and cheap. I’m also using a few things that we already have that need to be used such as ground beef for meatloaf, chicken, eggs, and potatoes.

Total for all?? $81.29…. cue happy dance because this total not only includes lunch items but also treats like M&Ms, Kit Kat pack, stuff for homemade rice crispy treats, and coffee pods! Also this will get us through next Sunday (1 week) leaving only Saturday unplanned- it’s football time!!

I will also be turning leftover steak from last night, the rest of the Cabernet we opened, some carrots, mushrooms, and celery from the fridge, a little tomato paste, and beef stock into beef tips for lunches. Served over egg noodles🤘🏻

Dinner last night really sucked:)

Ok! Here is the breakdown!

Meatloaf

-ground beef (freezer)

-dry onion soup (pantry)

-tomato sauce ($0.25)

-2 eggs (fridge)

-dry bread crumbs (pantry)

– worches. Sauce, garlic powder, s&p (pantry)

Mashed Potatoes

–potatoes (pantry)

-milk, butter, sour cream (fridge)

Canned peas- kids won’t eat frozen😂

Hot Dogs and Tots

–weenies ($2.29)

-buns ($0.85)

-frozen tots ($1.65)

Chicken Caesar Salads

-3 bags Caesar Salad Kit ($6.57)

-frozen chicken strips ($4.99)

Spaghetti

–Italian Sausage ($2.49)

-jar sauce ($0.85) we like traditional

-noodles (pantry)

-garlic bread (use leftover buns, butter and garlic)

Burgers and Crinkle Fries

–frozen Black Angus patties-6 ($6.89)

-buns ($0.85)

-frozen crinkles ($1.65)

Vanilla cream French Toast Breakfast

–Vanilla Cream Brioche ($3.49)

-3 eggs (fridge)

-1 c milk (fridge)

-Mexican vanilla, pinch salt (pantry)

-Thick cut Applewood bacon ($3.79)

-Frozen Hash Rounds ($1.65)

Grilled Chicken, Corn on the Cobb, Green Beans

–chicken breasts (freezer)

-4 ears of corn ($2.49)

-2 cans French Green Beans ($0.98)

I cook these in stock with some chopped up onion and they are yummy😂

Ok, fellow babes ballin’ on a budget!! Comment with any questions!! Hope this helps you out this week! Stay strong and try the $50 dinner challenge yourself!! Considering we ate lunch at a Mexican place today and spent $40 on that meal alone- this one definitely a task I was willing to take on!!

Love you all! Cheers!

-C

We are gearing up for our favorite season in the Streets house. We have waited patiently, and I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel… Wait… that’s not just light!! It’s smoke!! It’s a drum line!! It’s adorable cheerleaders that will forever be secretly hated for their smokin’ little bodies!! It’s FOOTBALL in the South, y’all!!

As much as I would love to live where the crisp, cool air was palpable, I don’t. I live in Georgia near a major SEC school (Go Dawgs!). Here we don’t open the door and nuzzle into a scarf with smiling eyes until at least November. Instead, we either choose to bake in the kiln that is a college football stadium (sweating from places we didn’t know could sweat) or we sit in front of a TV and burn our food pipe with the sting of whiskey. Dealers choice. I grew up in an avid Auburn family and had season tickets my entire childhood. I am now in a biSECual marriage with a Georgia Bulldog (family approves because it’s not that other team that cannot be named.)

For me and my house, we choose A/C.

Well, now that I took a solid detour let’s get back to the the real topic- Sunday Supper!! Apparently college boys in tight pants can still distract me😂

This Sunday we sat around the table with some of our family friends for probably the last time of this year. Not because we won’t see each other every weekend, but because of the “f” word. FOOTBALL! I mean could you go that long without seeing this face?

I think not!

Before I ramble any longer about how college kids I don’t know personally, here is what I fed the ones I actually know and love. This meal’s VIP was my mom Julia’s chicken and rice. This dish has been a favorite for Bowles girls and others for many, many years. Easy, cheap, and will make you roll your eyes and make uncomfortable noises with each bite! I served it with Lima Beans cooked in chicken stock, crescent rolls, and we had brookies with ice cream for dessert! Grand cost to feed 10 with leftovers for both families? $31.99 for everything, thank you Aldi! Touchdown, home run, goal, and victory!

Julia’s Chicken and Rice

2 lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts

2 packs dry onion soup mix

2 cans cream of chicken soup

2 cups of rice

1 cup of water

1/3 cup dry sherry

Preheat oven to 350

Place chicken breasts, 1 at a time, into a gallon zipper bag and pound them out to an even thickness. Cut in half and sit aside.

In a medium mixing bowl, stir together soups, rice and water. Pour into a greased 9×13 inch pan. Place chicken breasts on top and season with salt, pepper, and a little paprika. Do not add salt into the rice mix, it is perfect as is. I usually spray a little cooking spray on the chicken to help it not get dry. Cover tightly with foil and bake for 1 hour. Check and if the middle still looks really wet, recover and cook a little longer. 20 minutes or so.

Once set, remove from oven and pour the sherry over the casserole. Recover and bake for 30 more minutes.

*I made 2 pans of this and this is how much was left over*

Enjoy!

War Eagle and Go Dawgs!

-C

Hi friends!!!

Many of you are here from Facebook or Instagram, and are looking for my meal plans and recipes. I decided to just utilize my blog I started about 5 years ago- what a blast it has been to read those few posts! If you have a few minutes, they are certainly entertaining. Otherwise, I hope this blog can help you with your endeavors into feeding yourself and/or others.

This week has been a bear for us! The temps in Georgia are extreme, and the air quality has not been much better. What does this mean for a family with asthmatic kids you may ask?? Well let me tell you, it is an all insurance paid few days of nebulizers and no sleep! It means days home from school and your beloved family members looking extra…. punchable. It means quick, comforting meals that are easy and affordable. It also means extra time for our little comedians to shine.

I have said before that life with George, now 6, is like riding a mechanical bull that you don’t realize has a jet plane style ejector saddle. It is a ride like no other and although rough at times, a ride I never want to get off of. Earlier this week Abbey was getting in our shower after George had finished scrubbing the little boy grunge from his little meatball hoagie body. She stood there for a minute as the wheels were spinning in her mind.

“Georgie? Did you pee in the shower”

George ran out of our closet in one of my tank tops, backwards of course, and did his best ninja kick landing in a convincing power stance. With his right tan, chubby, confident fist thrust into the air he proudly yelled….

“Not today, sister!!!”

In that moment, he unknowingly created a chant that has gotten us through the week and is certain to be used for a while.

However, that is not the here. You are here because you want to know what I cooked for dinner. Did you think I would give you dinner without entertainment??

Not today, sister!!!!!!

But here is what we had for dinner tonight, with the grand total of ingredients, purchased from Aldi, coming in at $16.49!!!

Oven Baked “Houston’s” Chicken, corn, Steakhouse seasoned green beans, and cheddar biscuits.

Growing up my mom would make “Houston’s” chicken. I believe it is based on a dish my parents had at one of the restaurants years ago, but it is basically BBQ chicken with ham and Swiss on top. Fancy💁‍♀️

“Houston’s Chicken”

2 lbs boneless skinless chicken breasts ($5.99 for a 3 lb bag- extras!!)

Favorite BBQ sauce (we used Aldi original tonight that was a whopping $0.95 a bottle)

8 oz honey ham ($1.99)

Slices Swiss cheese ($1.79)

Pound thawed chicken breasts out so that they are even in thickness. Place in a Pyrex dish and season as you want. Cover with foil and bake for 30 minutes at 350. After 30 minutes, check with a knife to be sure the juices run clear. If not, add a few more minutes of cooking time.

Remove the foil and top with BBQ sauce, 3/4 slices of ham, then a slice or two of Swiss to smother it all. Place back into the oven for 10-15- more minutes!

Corn on the cob

Shuck your corn, getting all the little strings out you can, and cut about a 12″x12″ square of foil for each ear. Rub an ear with a stick of butter (just unwrap one end and pretend you are coloring😂) and season with salt and pepper or your favorite blend. Wrap each ear in its own cozy little flavor pack and toss in the oven (350) when the chicken goes in for 30 minutes! Once the 30 is up, remove them and place on a pan or the counter until you are ready to eat!

TIP: Dollar Tree sells little boxes of foil squares that are perfect for this!

Green Beans are frozen and just need to be zapped and the cheddar biscuits are from a box mix ($1.49).

Just remember when you are tired and want to order pizza instead of this super easy meal, just picture me in your face with a cheesy grin chanting….

“Not today, sister!!”

-C

There is a certain beauty about being from the South, one of which is the many metaphors we use in everyday conversation. For instance down here, Momma offering to  “paint your back porch red” is not free labor.  It means you are walking the fine line of feeling the hot sting of a hand on your thigh because you have done something wrong.  Someone asking if you would like to “come sit a spell” is not an offer for an impromptu spelling bee.  It is more of a “come sit down for a bit and let’s talk about that time the girl drove her Daddy’s lawnmower into the swimmin’ pool.”  PS, that girl was me…   

Now here is the kicker, what happens when you have a child that takes everything seriously??  How do you get mad when you ask her to “throw that away” and then she launches a yogurt across the room?  Answer: you don’t.  You learn to explain that she needs to put her treat into the trashcan and until she figures it out, she hears Momma talking to “Deer Lord”….. ALL.THE.TIME!!

What I say, “Oh! Dear Lord help me.  Today might actually be the day I lose it!” I am not referring to a woodland creature. If I trip over one more Lego or mindlessly discarded cup or bowl, I am not asking for help from antlers. However, a little literal mind will certainly have her own ideas..

“DEER LORD!!!! I bet his antlers have glitter!!!”

 

I used to enjoy grocery shopping.  I am a bit of a foodie.  I enjoyed picking the perfect fresh veggies, creating dishes in my head with whatever ingredients I saw that sparked my culinary imagination.  Then I had children, now that has all changed.  Grocery shopping is now a dreaded task that takes entirely too much out of me.  For those of you who have yet to venture down the parental pathway, here is a way you can simulate the journey ahead.

1.  Wake up, shower if you haven’t in 3-4 days, throw on some yoga pants and a shirt.  No, the gym is not involved.

2.  Make a list and try to memorize it.  Rub some peanut butter in your hair and head out the door.

3.  Stop by your local Waffle House, or other greasy breakfast establishment.  Go ahead and throw a $20 at your favorite Waffle House Princess, order a round of hash browns for everyone, order a cup of coffee and a shot of grease.  Take your shot of Tasty Fry, chug your coffee, count to 3 and have everyone make it rain the has browns.  Run around and try to wipe them up with at least 1473 tiny napkins, apologize and leave.

4.  Head to the grocery store.  On the way, swing by a local petting zoo and borrow a goat.  If you plan on having more than 1, grab another goat.  We will cover the baby once you arrive at the store.  Next, call your local jack ass of a friend and ask them to meet you at the store and install an airbag in the child seat of a buggy with a random timer.

5.  Arrive at your once favorite grocer, corral the goat(s) from your vehicle.  Be sure to keep them out of traffic.

6.  Once you and your goat(s) have entered the store, grab your cart and head to produce. As quickly as you can, grab one of the flimsy, lose clear bags and fill to the top with oranges, potatoes, or onions.  This is your baby.  You must hold this bag at all times and perform the rare art of infant juggling to keep all produce inside the bag.  If one orange falls out, congratulations!  You just busted your baby’s head open and now must go to the ER.  Still have your goats?  No, they are grazing on apples.  Go hurd the goats back to your cart and take inventory of everything they ate.

7.  Take your list out, take one last look, and them promptly tear it in half and feed to your goats.

8.  Now the race begins.  Rush through the isles as quickly as possible, remember your list, pushing your cart with your body.  Your bag baby and goats are keeping your arms too bush to be bothered with steering your cart.  You feel that?  That burn on your bicep right above your elbow?  Good, your “baby” is getting heavy.  Go ahead and sit the bag into the seat of the cart.  Beware, the pin has been pulled and at any minute that airbag will go off launching your precious bundle.  You must catch the baby.  Still have a visual on your goats?  Go find them…

9.  You are half way through the store now.  Remember that shot of grease and cup of coffee?  Yea, it is “go time”.  Try to ignore the knives stabbing your lower intestines and that 10 lb sack o’ taters sitting on your sphincter.  You must hold it in until you are in tears and have a solid stream of sweat on your upper lip.  Collect your goats and head to the bathroom.  Think you can’t handle more?  Your airbag just went off.  You are not allowed to put your loose bag of baby fruit down again.

10.  Abandon cart, head to bathroom.  Don’t even consider using the large stall.  Someone needs it worse than you (usually a store employee who needs a break.)  Cram all goats and yourself into a stall and attempt to pull down your pants while using your legs to keep the goats from drinking toilet water.  Remember, you must hold your baby.  He needs you.

11.  Do your business, wipe one handed, and collect yourself.  You are now thanking me because there is no way you could possible button or zip.  Thank your yoga pants instead, they need validation as well.

12.  Go get your cart, take your goats, and throw everything else you can think of into your cart.  While rushing through, use your legs to block unwanted items your goats will add to the cart.  Nobody should buy a tube of beef, and you don’t quite need pickled eggs. Run back to the other side of the store a few times for forgotten items, then happily head to checkout.

13.  Wait in line at one of the 2 out 15 registers that are open.  Thank everyone who tells you how cute your goats are, mentally give everyone the finger who tells you they understand how you feel.  Make sure you are behind at least one person who will write a check.  Still have your goats?  Good.

14.  Go ahead ahead and buy all children one of the 15 million balloons at the register.  They will really enjoy letting them float away in the parking lot.

15.  Once all groceries are scanned, give the cashier the list of items your goats ate or destroyed.  Wait for manager to override your additions.  While trying to complete your transaction, one of your goats will need your attention.  She will really make sure you are listening by stretching the hem of your shirts to its limits, exposing at least one nipple.  Bra or not, this will happen.  Your other goat has gotten tired and is now laying in the middle of the floor squealing at the top of it’s little goat lungs.  Go ahead and pick that goat up with your free arm, your baby just fell asleep.

16.  You are now free to leave the store.  You have survived. Direct your cart to your vehicle with your hips, gently place sleeping baby and goat into 5 pt. harnesses without waking.  Quietly get any other goats into the car, load up your bags (pour one with cans out for fun), and crank the car.

17.  Walk alone to the cart return, and enjoy your moment of freedom.

18. Pull out of the parking lot and get about 1.5 miles down the road.  Remember about 8 items you forgot, including chicken for tonight’s dinner.  Cry.

19.  Order a pizza, there is no way you are cooking after this.  Besides, you forgot the 3 items you went for like the chicken you were supposed to transform into a delicious treat before your husband gets home.

You have now experienced grocery shopping with kids, take a deep breath!  It wasn’t that bad, obviously, because you are going to do it again tomorrow.  You still need chicken, and toilet paper, and milk, and……

Go ahead and pour yourself a straight double on the rocks, no training wheels today.  You deserve it.